Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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