See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
No subtext here. People are naked.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
