maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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