The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
