We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
