I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
