I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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