Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
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so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
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I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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