The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
tell me about the eggs
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
