I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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