Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
