i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
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Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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