I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
i believe in u and ur pee
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
