best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
