I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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