The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
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