Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
