Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
