someone threw a dead crab at me
My cat gives me a boner
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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