I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
