Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
