I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
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Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
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Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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