I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
