I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
