don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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