I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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