franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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