Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
