I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
