dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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