your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
