I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i love accidental penises.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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