Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
