My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
