She is in my trunk
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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