can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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