I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
