Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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