I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
