I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Randomize
