Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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