someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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