I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
