I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
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Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
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WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
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