WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
