I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I am midnight drunk by noon
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
