I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
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