I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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