I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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