Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Randomize
