Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
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Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
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I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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