I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
