Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
