I cut my penus on the lid.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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