I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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