I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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