Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
