wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
