There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
